FEARS

They said fear have two meanings-

1. forget everything and run 
2. face everything and rise

So tell me what are you afraid of?
Please not oblivion ! :P

Well my fear(s) is a secret. However, i'm gonna expose few that i find reasonable and beneficial for public readings.

I'm not good in expressing how i feel. Most of the time i would keep those few little things that break me and when it's too heavy i can't afford to lift any longer, i would actually burst in tears. I'm not sure if i had a 'trust issue' or what, but i find it really really hard to open up with anyone. Maybe because i really hate sympathy and i hate being silently judged! so i guess my biggest fear is the fear of being scrutinized.

and i guess the downside of feeling this way or having this fear is that you cannot be yourself. You fit in even when you know you're not being yourself fully. if you keep feeding the fears, you lose yourself. as how i am sometimes. and i hate that part of me.

I always find myself staring at the mirror at night. looking deeply into the mirror . wondering how come i've grown up so fast. and seeing all the friends are getting married and having children i feel like running backward over time. It is said that "age is an issue of mind over matter,if you don't mind, it doesn't matter" . So why am i crashing the keyboard trying to tell you guys that i MINDD!? i mind getting old.  Being a lady, you have a 'time lapse'. and trust me it's killing you . so my second fear, they called it Gerascophobia. It is to have an unnatural fear of aging.

Not good because if you're having this kind of fears, you'll see the past as a regret. u feel like you haven't do this or that. u end up feeling like there's not enough time to do so many things. but u never realize all the small things u've done in your life. such a waste isnt it? to be worried when actually death can come at early age even before aging. omg. i should stuff this opinion to my own brain! hehe. ok umphh 😅😅😅😅😅😅

Next is... i had a fear of watching Malay ghost story or movie. anything but not Malay's ghost stories or Asian's ghost movies. WHY?? because they're nearer. the ghost are nearer . so i feel like they're coming for me and i can't stop having the picture of them in my mind. em.. american's ghosts are far away they can't come and get me. wth. (??) 😥😰😅😅😓

And lastly - the fear of future. it is so vague. and the uncertainty of the future scares the hell out of me. What if i'm suppose to study medical for 5 years and i died during the second year. isn't it scary.? like u can do hell a lot of thing in 2 years than wasting your short life with a constant brain torture. well, we Muslims believe in qada & qadar. The word qada' means perfection and completion, and the word qadar means evaluating and planning. In a simple understanding, everything that happened in your life will happen the way they are meant to and the way they are created. it is not my place to question this. and it wasn't my intention to question. but all i wanna say is that the future scares me so much because there's a lot of "what if" .

i think i need to stop with all these ramblings. see you in the next post

love, amimy